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Family Guy
7x06 - Tales of a Third Grade Nothing
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Timing: Razzzma
Script: reaper
http://FamilyGuyRussia.com/
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[Pawtucket brewery]
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Griffin, I need you to run this shipping report upstairs to the CEO.
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Huh? There's nothing fun or entertaining about that.
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Maybe if I walk down the hall with the wisecracking Rebe.
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Do you charge a lot for your circumcisions?
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No, I just keep the tips.
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All right, where's the CEO office.
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[Executive bathroom]
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Yeah, I always wanted to sit inside of the executive bathroom.
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Executive bathroom, sir?
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Uh-- Yes.
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Right this way.
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So, eh-- Where is this executive bathroom?
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There!
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Welcome to Executive Bathroom Island!
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[Executive Bathroom Island]
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Well, this is peaceful.
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Good morning, Lois.
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Wow, Peter, since when do you get such dressed up for work?
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Since I got tired of getting nowhere in this world, Lois.
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I have decided to do whatever it takes to becoming executive.
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Well, it would certainly be great if you got a promotion.
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You'd earn more money, get better health insurance.
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Lois, I am doing this for the bathroom.
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And I'm not giving up on my dream like I did with that indoor hot air balloon.
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And away we go.
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No, no, no, no, no, noooo.
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- I can't feel my legs!
- Welcome to the party, pal.
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- No, wait, here they are.
- Uh--
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[Quahog Cabana]
[Tonight: Franck Sinatra Jr.]
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Call it hell, call it heaven
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It's a probable twelve to seven
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that the guy's only doing it for some doll
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some doll! some doll!
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the guy's only doing it for some do-o-o-oll
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Boy, it sure is great to have you back in town, Franck.
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Yeah, but this place is dead.
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I don't know, that one guy seem to like it.
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I like everything. Including ginger ale.
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Pssst. That's my way of ordering a ginger ale.
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Sorry, I can't pay you more, guys, but business has been bad.
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I'm actually looking to sell the joint.
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Oh, you can't sell this place. So few clubs play real music anymore.
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Well, you wanna buy it? I'll give you a good deal.
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You know, that's not a bad idea.
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Yeah, we could really turn this place around.
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If we play our cards right, this could be bigger than the Appolo Theater.
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All right now, next up we get the comedy style, it's Kim Li Song, give it up.
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How you doing tonight?
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So, you ever noticed when two black guys coming into your convinient store
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and one go one way and one go the other way?
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What they doing? What they stealing? Who with me?
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W-o-o-o-o
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You stay out of my store! All you stay out of my store! I remember your face!
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[Pawtucket brewery]
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Peter, I want you to retype those--
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Wow! What is this? Have you been cleaning?
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Yep! I'm working extra hard, so you'll promote me.
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Well, based on your track record you'll understand if I have trouble believing you.
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Believe it, Angela, I hate being just a cargo around here.
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Almost as much as I hate homeless people asking me for money.
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- Spare some change.
- Sure.
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You didn't put anything in there.
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Yes I did. I put hope in there.
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Hope.
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Don't spend it all in one place, raggie.
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[Pawtucket brewery]
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Griffin, what the hell is this?
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It's a robot that I built to save this company money.
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Now, before you say anything,
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one, it has no human emotions,
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and two, its prime directive is never to harm people.
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Oh god! It's harming people.
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Angry! Angry!
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Oh god! It's got human emotions too.
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It's using tools. It's learning, Angela, it's learning. Run!
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[Pawtucket brewery]
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What are you want, Griffin?
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Angela, look out your window.
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You see that Anheuser Busch billborad next to the children's hospital?
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Well, watch this.
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Oh god!
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Oh my god, this is horrible.
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Oh god! Oh that's terrible.
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Oh, good lord, save them. Bless the--
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Aw, oka, okay, yeah! Here we go! Now, everything worked out.
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Stewie, guess what.
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Franck and I just closed the deal to buy the Quahog Cabana club.
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Oh, well, Brian, what else are you doing such terrible and stupid?
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Just wait, in a few weeks that club will be the hottest spot in Quahog.
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Huh, you're deluting yourself.
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You're gonna fail faster than John Maddens wedding video business.
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[Mike and Stacy's Wedding]
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Boom, here's your groom over here.
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Boom, you got your bride right here.
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A lot of people says Stacy's no good
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and she slept with this guy
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and then that guy,
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and even this guy.
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Well, tell you something, that experience's gonna work in her favor later in the game.
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You know, what a hack of a wedding? Brad Farve.
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[Pawtucket brewery]
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Griffin, I've got good news.
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Our management level position has become available
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and I've seen that you've been working very hard lately.
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I'm recommending you for a promotion.
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- Ah, and I could use the executive bathroom?
- Of course.
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Holy crap! You know, last week I ate a fortune cookie and it said
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"Obvious lesbian will bring great news"
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And also said "A great piano will fall on me".
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Well-- Good day to you.
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And I will, um--
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Yeah, I mean, we're-- we're done.
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Just eh-- squeeze by you here.
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[Pawtucket brewery]
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[Human resources]
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Hi, is this where I get the poop pass to use the executive bathroom?
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Sit down, mr. Griffin. We need to talk.
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Okay, well, make it fast, 'cause I'm starting to crown.
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Mr. Griffin, all our executives require a high school education.
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And your file says that you never passed the third grade.
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If you want this promotion, you're going to have to go back and finish.
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Well, that sounds hilarious but it also sounds like it might take a while.
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I'm afraid that's your only option.
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Well, I mean, if that's what I got to do, then I guess I--
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Next time you got a fortune cookie don't open it.
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Bye, you guys, have fun at school.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Oh, Peter, stop pouting.
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All you got to do is finish third grade and you'll get that promotion.
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Grrr, this is gonna be the bigger pain in the ass than getting into "Last Clap" contest with Cleveland.
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Ladies and gentlemen, the Quahog mens chorus.
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Hey, hey, hey! Clap one more time, you're not coming to my birthday.
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- Who did that?
- Giggity.
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[Martin Mull elementary]
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Good morning, class. Starting today we have a new student.
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Peter, would you like to introduce yourself?
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Hi, my name's Peter Griffin, um--
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I was actually in third grade a long time ago but I've never finished.
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Back then we had a teacher named mrs. Wilson.
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Except-- Except we had this funny little nickname for her.
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We called her mrs. Killson. 'Cause she had an abortion.
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I know, I know, it's kinda silly but we were-- You know, we were just a bunch of kids.
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I'm sorry, go ahead, mrs.-- uh--
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Wilson. Thank you, Peter.
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Why don't you sit over there, next to Omar?
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Omar is our top student
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and we're hoping he'll lead us to victory next week in the district "Spelling Bee".
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What are you doing in our class? You're old. Are you stupid or something?
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Aw, picking on a new kid, huh?
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Well, at least my parents didn't name me Gaymar.
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Wow! I never knew you can make fun of someone for being homosexual.
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And by laughing at other people's sexuality
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somehow I feel better of it at my own.
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[Quahog Cabana]
[Grand re-opening]
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Hey, Brian, where are all the people?
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They'll be here, Franck. We just got to give them time.
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And wouldn't you know it, there's our first customer.
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I'll entertain him while we wait for more to arrive.
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So, thanks for coming. How are you doing tonight?
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Good.
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Glad to hear it. Any requests?
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Play on the dark side
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like John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.
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Give it up, Brian, noone wants to go to a stupid big band club anymore.
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You know, I could help you make some changes around here that would bring in customers.
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You know, Brian, we should give Stewie a shot. It can't hurt.
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Well, what do you have in mind?
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Just trust me, Brian, I know exactly what to do.
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You've got to be aggressive.
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Even more aggressive than Michael Jackson's treatment of his own groin on stage.
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Thank you.
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[Martin Mull elementary]
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All right, Suzie. What have you brought in for Show and Tell?
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This is my Malibu Barbie doll that I got for Christmas this year.
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She comes with a hairbrush, a pocketbook and two different dresses.
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Oh my god! Who the hell cares?
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Peter, I would like to remind you that you are in a classroom.
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Not for long.
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Can I help you, sir?
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Hi there, my name's Glenn Griffin. Um, I'm here to pick up my son Peter for a ball ga--
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Uh, doctor's appointment.
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- Peter is your son?
- That is affirmative.
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Because you look a lot more like that child over there.
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- Daddy?
- Oh god!
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- Daady?
- Oh god!
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- Papa?
- Oh god!
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- Hey, there are no kids in here, right?
- No, just me.
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Oh, thank god!
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You wanna have unprotected sex?
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[pLace]
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What the hell did Stewie do to this place?
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Hey, get a load of Meaner J. Cribbs(?) over here
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he's rubbing the records with his hand.
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Hey! Hey! You gonna ruin that, you know.
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He-hey, there they are.
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Stewie, what is all this? What did you do to the Cabana Club?
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Ew, we don't call it the Cabana Club anymore, Franck. It's now called pLace.
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Little P, big L.
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Congratulations! You two now own the hottest spot in town.
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Wow, that's a lot of people. I hope we have enough rhye(?).
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How'd you pay for all this?
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I got a job as a field reporter for Channel 5 News.
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And all the juice is being collected underneath?
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Yes. And whoever collects the most is gonna win a free weekend
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here in the chateau with interhational food and wine tastings.
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Stop!
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Oh, I can't breathe.
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I can't breathe.
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Oh, gosh, I-- I hope he's all right.
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Well, we'll have to send someone to make sure that he is.
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[Martin Mull elementary]
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- Hey, Omar, want a Hurt's donut?
- Um-- Okay.
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Hurts donut.
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Dumbass.
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Wow, he effectively silenced Omar by hitting him in the face.
219
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My dad hits me but I bet, if I hit others, the pain stops.
220
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Someday I'll use what I've learned here on my wife.
221
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Peter, is this your homework?
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Eh, hold on, let me take out my reading glasses.
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[Homework is for buttlickers]
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Yeah, that's mine.
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I could flank you for this.
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But buttlickers is three syllable word.
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Not even Omar can spell those.
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So, you're joining him at next weeks districts "Spelling Bee".
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I you'll lead our school to victory, I'll let you pass third grade.
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But if you lose, you fail.
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I accept that challenge.
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Light 70's Bruce Jenner, take me home.
233
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Hup on, Peter.
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So, Brian, how is it feel to own the coolest club in Quahog?
235
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You think this is cool? Look at these people.
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I'd rather go bankrupt than cater to pretentious jerks like this.
237
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Wow, Brian, slow down, man.
238
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We're making money now and besides this place ain't no bad.
239
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Hey, you girls thirsty? Could I interest you in a couple of Rob Roys?
240
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What's a Rob Roy?
241
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Only V drink of Mr. Peter Lawford.
242
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Who's Peter Lawford?
243
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What am I hitting on Lou Costello here?
244
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Who's Lou Costello?
245
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Uh, sorry, my-- my friend's a little new at the club scene.
246
00:13:59,650 --> 00:14:02,150
Geez, what the hell's with this broads(?)?
247
00:14:02,230 --> 00:14:04,760
Look at you two, taxes in the night club?
248
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:08,300
Got, you're more out of place than Prince was on Price's right.
249
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:10,790
And what's your bid on the dining room said, Prince?
250
00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:11,720
Three-fifty.
251
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,400
- I'm sorry?
- Three--
252
00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:15,150
Can you speak up, please.
253
00:14:15,340 --> 00:14:16,320
Three-fifty.
254
00:14:16,620 --> 00:14:20,690
All right and the actual retail price of the dining room said is
255
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,960
- three hundred fifty dollars.
- Yeeeah.
256
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:29,800
Peter, wake up!
257
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,300
Oh, Lois, I've just had a weirdest dream
258
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:38,890
that Louis Black told jokes that was so funny he had to shout them so everyone could hear.
259
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,030
Peter, you got to stay awake, the Spelling Bee's tomorrow.
260
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:46,170
But, Lois, I'm ascared, there's no way I can compete against other kids.
261
00:14:46,530 --> 00:14:50,930
This like trained a Beach Shpoople champion Fiorg Wanderplug get a game a shpoople.
262
00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:01,510
Shpoople!
263
00:15:04,030 --> 00:15:07,300
Don't be said, Paiter. That's why they call it shpoople.
264
00:15:10,590 --> 00:15:11,910
God, we look like idiots.
265
00:15:12,030 --> 00:15:15,170
He-hey, that's more like it. Where'd you get the threads?
266
00:15:15,210 --> 00:15:19,430
We went to Barney's, I heared that's where all the famous people shop for skinny leg jeans.
267
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:23,760
These are the thightest penis-compressing and
268
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,800
sperm-killing and testicles-grippinest jeans I ever tried on.
269
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:30,210
Brian, Franck, meet Dakota and New Bedford.
270
00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:33,520
- Hey, how is it hanging, Dakota?
- What's up, New Bedford?
271
00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:37,660
You look like rappers but you're not black so that's the perfect 'em out of danger.
272
00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:39,880
God, hell. You guys get to know each other.
273
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,350
Looks like my doormate let another gazelle in there.
274
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,960
I'm sorry but we've been over this before. We don't serve your kind here.
275
00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:48,600
You're gonna hear from my lawyer.
276
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,330
Yeah! You know, I would welcome that.
277
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:54,000
I would welcome the opportunity to hear from a lawyer that represents a gazelle.
278
00:15:54,270 --> 00:15:54,950
What's his name?
279
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,170
Yeah, I don't have a lawyer.
280
00:16:00,430 --> 00:16:02,420
And I'll tell you something about Dean Martin.
281
00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:06,380
He was the only guy on the golf course who had a five iron with the cork on the end of it.
282
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:12,750
So, who wants to come back to hotel and take a wack at my genitals?
283
00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:14,090
- Cool!
- Awesome!
284
00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:15,800
All right, we got a ball game.
285
00:16:16,190 --> 00:16:18,500
Hang on, girls, I'll get you a couple of appletinies.
286
00:16:19,030 --> 00:16:22,100
This is going great, Franck! This club and this closes
287
00:16:22,220 --> 00:16:24,120
My god, there's nothing that could stop us.
288
00:16:24,460 --> 00:16:28,730
Hey, party people, I'm ready to get 86
289
00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:31,230
- Andy Dick!
- Oh, no!
290
00:16:31,350 --> 00:16:32,620
C'mon, let's get out of here.
291
00:16:37,150 --> 00:16:40,350
- What the hell just happened?
- Andy Dick happened.
292
00:16:40,780 --> 00:16:44,840
As soon as that guy shows up anyplace, it gets a worse rapped than John Wilkes Booth.
293
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:51,370
Stupid hat, damn it.
294
00:16:51,730 --> 00:16:53,530
I paid fifteen cents for this ticket.
295
00:16:55,630 --> 00:16:56,680
No, he didn't.
296
00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:59,460
God! Could he be anymore annoying?
297
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:02,310
Ah, hey, stop!
298
00:17:02,660 --> 00:17:04,830
Tomme-e-e-e, ha-ha-ha.
299
00:17:04,970 --> 00:17:06,950
Hey, here, you took that black chick home?
300
00:17:07,100 --> 00:17:09,720
Hey, hey, you're welcome, ha-ha-ha.
301
00:17:11,449 --> 00:17:13,649
[Quahog Civic Center]
[District Spelling Bee]
302
00:17:15,650 --> 00:17:17,600
Our next spelling bee contestant is
303
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:22,300
Omar Maha-- Jarif-- Faa
304
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:23,990
Something september-eleventy.
305
00:17:24,140 --> 00:17:26,380
All right, Omar, your word is candy.
306
00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:29,600
Candy: C-A-N-D-Y.
307
00:17:29,860 --> 00:17:30,410
Candy.
308
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:31,160
That's correct.
309
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,740
Our next contestant is Peter Griffin.
310
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,930
Peter, your word is tree.
311
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,540
Can you use it in a sentence, please?
312
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,480
There's a tree by the lake.
313
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,520
Huh-- Can you use it in a dirty sentence?
314
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,430
I like to bring transient hookers to the old oak-tree
315
00:17:46,430 --> 00:17:50,270
where I asphyxiate myself at the same time I watch them having sex with each other.
316
00:17:50,710 --> 00:17:51,810
T-R-E-E
317
00:17:52,010 --> 00:17:52,980
- Tree.
- Correct.
318
00:17:56,850 --> 00:17:58,900
We're now down to our final two competitors.
319
00:17:59,150 --> 00:18:01,340
Peter Griffin and Omar NorthTower.
320
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:04,160
Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is--
321
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:05,710
coagulate
322
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,030
C--
323
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:08,280
O--
324
00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:10,280
A-G
325
00:18:11,630 --> 00:18:12,180
A--
326
00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:16,110
Oh, I'm sorry, Omar. But you could spell buckscutter.
327
00:18:16,490 --> 00:18:18,750
I'm nine years old and I'm indian.
328
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:24,340
All right, Peter, if you spell your next word correctly, you'll win the competition.
329
00:18:25,710 --> 00:18:28,120
Your word is-- lesbians.
330
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,450
Can you use it in the sentence?
331
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:32,190
The two lesbians are going shopping.
332
00:18:32,340 --> 00:18:33,590
Can you use it in a dirty sentence?
333
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:37,500
The two lesbians are going shopping for double sided marade(?) leads.
334
00:18:37,660 --> 00:18:38,190
Damn.
335
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,750
Wait! Can you use it in a labelist sentence?
336
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,690
Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians.
337
00:18:48,950 --> 00:18:50,960
- L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S
- Correct!
338
00:18:52,780 --> 00:18:54,880
I did it, Lois. My god, I did it.
339
00:18:55,110 --> 00:18:57,970
You sure did, Peter, I'm so proud of you.
340
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,370
Way to go, dad.
341
00:18:59,490 --> 00:19:01,100
Yeah, you're a smart fella, dad.
342
00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:02,540
And you're a fart smeller, Meg.
343
00:19:05,530 --> 00:19:07,430
Let's go home.
344
00:19:07,830 --> 00:19:09,830
[Pawtucket brewery]
345
00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:13,490
Angela, I did it, I finished the third grade.
346
00:19:13,690 --> 00:19:15,010
I'm ready for my promotion.
347
00:19:15,180 --> 00:19:19,190
Griffin, you blew up a children's hospital, you're going to jail.
348
00:19:19,300 --> 00:19:19,670
What?
349
00:19:19,940 --> 00:19:22,240
What, you think, everyone just forgot about that?
350
00:19:22,350 --> 00:19:25,950
There was an investigation, fingerprints, forensic reports.
351
00:19:26,220 --> 00:19:28,740
Nineteen childred died, Peter.
352
00:19:29,030 --> 00:19:31,380
And the FBI knows it was you.
353
00:19:33,420 --> 00:19:36,150
Mr. Griffin, this court finds you guilty.
354
00:19:36,370 --> 00:19:39,010
and sentences you to seven days in prison.
355
00:19:39,550 --> 00:19:41,280
You'll be out next sunday at nine.
356
00:19:48,460 --> 00:19:52,960
God! I can't believe we bought this ridiculous clothes for a club that didn't even last.
357
00:19:53,060 --> 00:19:57,700
Hey, come on, we had a great seventy-two hour run and in this business that's all you can ask for.
358
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,080
Besides, I've already opened a new club that's even more exclusive than this one.
359
00:20:02,180 --> 00:20:03,180
Really? Where is it?
360
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:06,640
Brian, it's so exclusive that it doesn't even have a location.
361
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,970
It's in here, human heart.
362
00:20:10,030 --> 00:20:11,910
I think that's a beat we can all done, Stu.
363
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,690
Wow, I weirdly feel a lot better.
364
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,210
Hey, Brian, what do you say, we sing Stewie some real music?
365
00:20:18,330 --> 00:20:19,500
Sounds good to me.
366
00:20:26,590 --> 00:20:29,590
On the western side of Quahog
367
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,080
if you care to come along
368
00:20:33,570 --> 00:20:36,690
there's a club that's so exclusive
369
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:40,140
that a line is ten miles long
370
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:43,630
Where the douchebags come to party
371
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:47,150
and to spend their fathers cash
372
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:50,670
just to take home slutty women
373
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:54,080
and then wake up with the rash
374
00:20:54,770 --> 00:20:59,200
yeah, they wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up with a rash
375
00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:04,510
Take me out to pLace tonight
376
00:21:05,290 --> 00:21:08,080
where the ...(?) keep our tight
377
00:21:08,970 --> 00:21:12,050
and the guys in hooded sweatshirts
378
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,320
have forgotten that they're white
379
00:21:16,050 --> 00:21:19,030
Take me out to pLace tonight
380
00:21:19,450 --> 00:21:22,680
where there ain't no sell you(?) light
381
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:27,820
and we'll drink ourselfs insane until we're feeling
382
00:21:29,820 --> 00:21:33,320
Dynamite